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I called my boss today. First time I spoke to anyone from work really, since I got so sick that I had to be on sick leave. Three months sick leave. Man that sucks.
And the anxiety over losing my job etc, has been so horrible. I've needed both benzos and sleeping pills lately and I have not gone outside my door, met a single person apart from one day when I went out with my mum to a museum and to eat out. (it was very nice thanks)

But I can't get myself to go out, not even to the shops for food, so I am just eating whatever there is in the freezer.

I also stopped washing myself off and on during these last three months, I can't stand the water on my skin and the cold of getting out of the shower.

But today I realised I really was stinking, so I had a shower, and after that I had to sleep because I was exhausted. Thats the shape I am in.

Anyway, so I finally acted upon the very thing that has been scaring me so, and I called my boss and asked if I still had my job left and she said yes. And also we made a plan on what things I should be focusing on during my first couple of months back at work. Phew. That was heavy.

so, on thursday I am back at work. I don't know how I will manage, probably not very well, but I shall do it because it's the only life i have. And I need the money desperatly, specially as I have decided about the whole drivers license thing. I am going to get that license, I am. And after that, I can live out in the countryside if I want to, and be the recluse I was born to be.

People will think that I am well rested now, after being off from work a few months, but it's quite the oppposite, I am tense and tired and have so much anxiety.

I am going back to work next week, it feels like I have no real function there anymore though, so I have no clue for how long I will have a job there at all. In a way, if they can transfer me to some other school or place within the city, I'd be perfectly okay with that. I know the way that the staff in my school talk about people who are ill. It's not a pretty thought, and it's not pretty, the way they speak of ill people. It's not compassion, if you thought.
No, it's more like, we don't want that sick person here, she is untrustworthy and she will not fullfill her obligations. I can understand it, in a way it's horrid, when you are gone someone else have to do your job.

Seems as if they've done a splendid job without me, and I am just not ready to sit there and do nothing, and yet I have to be so careful now not to say yes to things that I can't do.

Anxious is just half of it.

On another note, people that I know have been telling me to think positive about my illness and about my life. I tell you though, if I could think positive about it all, I would not be sick. Hence the difference between me and a healthy person.

Voila. It's a new year, I am about to take a bank loan, hopefully I can have one, I can't feed me and Liam on the money I get now, and yet I am going to take a bank loan just to get a drivers license.

I need one, although from what I can tell, it will cost me a fortune. I am thinking that it's stupid, but I can also tell that I will need one soon, if I want a life at all, I want to move out to the countryside at some point, where loneliness is ok, and not something to pitty, as it is in the city. So I need to drive.

I need to start to try at least, to fullfill some sort of a future plan.

It's going to be a very long time until I will be able to travel anywhere outside stockholm with this plan and thats fine by me now. I should had done this a long time ago, but instead i've spent money I don't really have on going back and forth to england. That has to stop, it is ruining my life. (or it's wrong to say "it" but instead I have to say, my choices are ruining my life, because that is what it is all about)

I will miss going there, but I need to sort out my every day life, and that belongs here in sweden. I think I've put too much in to going away for a life, but this summer ...it showed me that I need to find my way here, a bit late maybe, to realise this at 41, but no one else will do it for me, I am all alone. Something that people with partners or large families and stuff will never get.
So, no more running away from my own life, drivers license and settle down in sweden somewhere out in the countryside. Maybe I can rent a house even. Get a cat or two for the mice, which really is the only thing I ever fear. I am not scared of many things, but typically, I am like a little girl when it comes to mice. I'll stand on chairs and scream IIIIIIII iiiiiii, help me mom at the sight of one! Not to speak of rats, but thats another thing all together, and there are not a lot of rats out in the countryside, they sort of like us humans to much and stay in the cities. Good riddens I say, I will be glad to get out of the rat-hole stockholm!

Right, oh, I was just going to wish everyone here a happy new year, but I forgot, in the middle of my rantings.

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it has been a long time...  so many times I tried getting back in my LJ page but couldn't - now - it was quite easy !
Must be a Right Action NOW  :o )

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